


Relief

by renjunsmp3



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Bruises, Crushes, Crying, Cuddling, Day Off, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Love, M/M, Movie Night, Pain, Self-Harm, Short, Some graphic descriptions, discovery of self harm, odd fascination, romantic movies, romcom, they all care about each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 12:31:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19869706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunsmp3/pseuds/renjunsmp3
Summary: Yuta paints himself blue and purple when he's sad.





	Relief

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm back with another probably-crappy drabble I wrote at 4am while sleep deprived! I haven't really read it over as I wanna get myself to bed, but 
> 
> Major trigger warning: If you are not comfortable with the talk of, or descriptions about self harm, I advise you to not proceed. If you are reading this to fuel yourself to keep going, and hurting yourself, please do not use this as inspiration. If you are recovered I strongly advise against reading this story. It will get a bit graphic, and somewhat real, as they are based on my own personal experiences. You know yourself best, so you can choose whether to read this or not, but please, be careful, and safe.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is me projecting my emotions and feelings onto Yuta, and in no way shape or form am I assuming that him or any of the members have gone through this. It's just me trying to attempt to express how I feel through my writing.
> 
> So, with all that out of the way, I want to say that what Yuta goes through in this story is what I have gone through for a while now. Though I have probably not portrayed his feelings the exact way I should've, this is my way of sharing my story. Getting it out there. So please, if you can, leave some kudos, comments would be greatly appreciated. If you are so inclined, reach out to me on twitter: @renjunslovebot . 
> 
> A reminder that even though you think nobody notices you, or what's going on, there's always someone who will notice. There is someone who will understand. If you're going through this you are not alone. Please reach out to somebody to talk whether you need someone on a friend level, like me, a family member, friend, or a professional, please help yourself. Theres always someone who cares.
> 
> And with all that said, enjoy!

Yuta paints himself blue and purple when he’s sad.

Things get hard when their comeback schedule picks up.

The other members struggle as well, but it seems everyone is too distracted with their own problems to ever notice his.

Most nights they came home at 3am, having to get back up at 5, Yuta would go into the bathroom and turn the water on for the shower after everyone had their turn, and hit himself until he couldn’t feel his legs anymore.

Every day at practice, they were scrutinized for mistakes, having to restart the song if one person made a slight mistake, such as having their finger in the wrong position, or your legs not being the right length away from one another. It was torture. On top of that, for every mistake that was made, the person who made the mistake had to run 3 laps around the practice room. 

It was always hell for all of them.

No matter what they did, it wasn’t good enough, so they worked long days and nights, and were only allowed about 2 hours of sleep.

The other boys had learned how to cope with their problems in their own ways, some reaching out for help from the other boys, others taking care of it themselves.

He wasn’t one to ask for help.

It was weird, how it all started.

The first time he his hit arm on the corner of the table, and it oddly felt relieving. So he continued doing it, every time giving him the relief he was looking for. Not to mention the bruises he gave himself were oddly aesthetic, and gave him something to be proud of.

Every time he did it, he felt almost as if he was in a haze, like he didn’t have control over his actions until it was done. But he never felt bad after doing it.

Even when they turn to a yellow-green color, he can’t help but admire them.

Though he knows it’s weird, he takes photos of them. It gives him a sense of accomplishment.

It was his way of comfort.

He hides them away in his hidden folder of course, just to have an extra layer of protection in case someone was to stumble across his photos.

Today they have a day off, which means relaxing on the couch, watching movies, eating food and the occasional board game with the guys.

Most of them stayed in their room doing anything of their choosing.

Doyoung, Jungwoo, and Mark were usually ones to stick to their rooms, occasionally Taeil as well.

They decided to watch a sappy love story, which they are all a sucker for. Johnny especially.

Taeyong made food in the kitchen, a tiny little room with gray cabinets and white marble countertops, and a small island, with small ceiling lights that gave off a soft feeling. It was something that added a bit of comfort to the somewhat small apartment they all shared.

It was 2 people per room, 4 rooms. There was only one room that had 3 people in it.

Yuta was roomed with Taeil and Johnny, Jungwoo with Hyuck, Mark with Doyoung, and Jaehyun with Taeyong.

It was hard sharing a room with two people, but he was lucky that Johnny and Taeil were the best roommates he could have asked for.

All 3 of the back of their beds are up against the wall, with their own nightstands in between. 

They all have their own things on the wall that they treasure, Johnny has photos from his childhood, and teenage years in America, with some photos of his parents, and some of the group doing various things.

Taeil on the other hand, keeps it pretty lowkey. He has art he likes, a few photos, and other things around the room. 

Yuta has a mixture of a lot of things. He has photos of his dog Rapunzel, his family, his friends, and the boys of course. He has art from Japan, and photos of it too. He tends to miss home a lot and it helps to have photos to help ease some of his homesickness. It almost always doesn’t help, but he keeps them up anyways because it doesn’t hurt to have his memories.

They all have their own dressers, with their own mirrors, and the room is split into 3 sections for the boys to have whatever they want in their own space.

The walls in their room was white, along with a gray carpet. The carpet wasn’t anything special, it wasn’t comfortable but it wasn’t that bad. The rest of the apartment besides the bedrooms were wood floors. The bathroom and kitchen had tile.

The living room was comfy, a large wrap around couch in the corner, a tv on the wall across from it, and to the right of the tv are glass doors that lead to the balcony.

It wasn’t much, but it was their home, and they did as much as they could to make it the best it can be.

On the couch they were watching the movie, Hyuck, Yuta, Johnny, Taeyong, and Jaehyun were all under blankets, watching intensely.

Yuta had laid himself down onto Johnny’s lap, and Johnny didn’t mind at all.

They had watched the movie for a while, when Johnny lifted his left arm and rested it on Yuta’s thigh, with a sound of pain coming out of Yuta’s mouth.

“Yuta are you okay? Did I hurt you??” Johnny looked down, concerned.

Yuta sat up, drawing attention from the other boys on the couch.

“It’s just a bruise from practice, it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Sorry,” Johnny apologizes, and Yuta goes back and lays himself back onto Johnny’s lap.

The movie was eventually over, and all the boys began getting ready for bed.

Yuta usually slept in shorts, and his bruises were never going to stop him from wearing them to bed.

He always thinks that with his bruises he just wants someone to notice, someone to care. Someone to want to help him. But when it actually comes to a time where someone can find out, he finds a way to cover his tracks, making up a lie that’s easy to believe.

Because nobody wants to believe their best friend hurts themself in their free time.

Nobody wants to believe that someone can hide their pain so well that even when you spend 24 hours of the day together, that you didn’t notice their pain. It really does things to a person.

One day at practice, Taeil noticed something was off.

Taeil was the observant type. And if Yuta had anybody to worry about finding out about his bruises, it would be him.

He was lazy one day at hiding them, and his ripped jeans exposed a part of his leg with a bruise on it. And it wasn’t the same bruise Johnny had irritated the day before.

“Hey, Yuta, is that another bruise on your leg?” Taeil pointed out.

Yuta looked at Taeil, almost like a deer caught in headlights. At this point the group were all staring at him.

“I, Uh, I just hit my leg on the table last night on my way to bed, not a big deal.” Yuta had managed to get out.

“That’s really big for a table, are you sure?” Taeil continued.

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m fine.” Yuta said, reaching for his water bottle at his bag.

The boys had dropped it, at least for the moment.

Yuta was in the kitchen one morning cooking breakfast for the group, when Johnny came out of their room and sat at the counter.

“Hey Yuta, whatcha cooking?” Johnny said with a smile on his face.

All Yuta could think about was _How is he smiling this early in the morning?_

But Yuta couldn’t talk, really. He was up early due to moving the wrong way in bed and irritating his bruise he had created the night before.

It felt normal to Yuta at this point, knowing that he had his bruises and that he regularly woke up due to the occasional pain he would get.

“Yuta, do you bruise easily?” Johnny was genuinely concerned. Knowing now that Yuta has two bruises that seemingly came from practice, but confused him since none of their choreo had anything to do with their thighs.

“I.. Uh yeah, I bruise quite easily.” Yuta put all his focus into the food he was making rather than trying to pay attention to Johnny.

“Oh, that would make sense on why you have so many.”

That sentence really threw Yuta for a loop, wondering if he knows about all the other ones, or just the ones that have been pointed out? Would he say something if he noticed all those bruises?

The answer was of course Johnny would say something. He cares too much not to.

A week later, Yuta’s thighs were a canvas of blues, purples, greens and yellows.

The words behind those colors were 

Worthless.

Annoying.

Stupid.

A waste.

Talentless.

Undeserving.

Those are only a few of many words he repeated in his head as he pounded his fist into his thighs.

He had kicked his blankets off in the middle of the night, exposing his legs as he slept.

Taeil was the first to get up that morning, about to go and make breakfast that day when he walked by Yuta’s bed, and froze. It felt as if the wind had gotten knocked out of him.

Yuta’s legs were covered in bruises even though it was pretty much just his thighs.

More than 90% of his thighs were not his skin color, but rather blue purple green or yellow. Some an angry red.

Taeil immediately turned around and walked over to Johnny’s bed, as Taeil’s bed was in between them.

He put his hands on Johnny’s shoulders. 

“Johnny, Johnny you have to wake up,” he whispered, “please wake up.”

He shook Johnny until he was wide awake, and was completely confused.

“Taeil, what is going on.”

“Y-Yuta’s legs, h-he-“

Johnny got up and walked over to Yuta’s bed, but upon standing could already see the bruises.

A hand immediately flew to his mouth. He slowly walked closer to Yuta’s legs, kneeling next to his bed, eyes going back and forth to Yuta’s sleeping baby face, and his horribly mutilated legs.

Taeil immediately left to go wake up the other boys, and soon they were all in there, just watching Yuta as he slept, mainly just staring at his legs.

Jungwoo, Hyuck and Mark were in tears, Jungwoo and Doyoung doing their best to comfort them, while Taeyong Johnny and Taeil stayed in the room with Yuta.

“What do we do? Do we wake him up?” Johnny asked.

“Yeah, we should. But do it softly.” Taeyong said, but before either of the boys could get up and wake him up, Yuta’s eyes started fluttering, and he started stretching.

Once he rubbed his eyes, and opened them, he noticed that there were 3 boys in his room, 3 more outside the room crying, with two of them trying their best to comfort him.

“What’s going on? Is everyone okay? Are we late to practice or something?”

Taeyong shook his head no.

“T-Then what-“ Yuta starts, but feels a cold breeze on his legs, and looks down, immediately noticing that they were exposed.

Yuta grabbed his blankets and threw them on himself as fast as he could.

“Yuta….” Johnny started, tearing up.

Yuta had already started crying, trying to back up away from the situation, only to meet the backboard of his bed.

“Yuta, please talk to us,” Taeil choked out, already in tears as well.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Yuta says through tears, pulling the blankets up as high as he could.

“Yuta…. Did you do this to yourself?” Johnny says, reaching out for Yuta’s hand.

Yuta lets him hold it, but won’t answer the question.

“Maybe, you guys should leave for a minute, let me talk to him alone.” Johnny says, looking over at Taeyong and Taeil, and they hesitate, before nodding, and leaving Johnny and Yuta alone.

“Hey, talk to me, please Yuta.” Johnny begs.

Yuta just starts crying harder, and leans over and hugs Johnny, and Johnny hugs him back.

“I’m sorry,” he sobs into Johnny’s shoulder, “I’m so so sorry.”

“It’s okay, you’re okay. We just, we just gotta get you some help. Will you do that for us?”

First Yuta shakes his head no, but Johnny begins to hold him tighter, and he can’t help but give in.

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

Johnny sighs in relief, and Yuta thinks to himself for a moment. 

Somebody noticed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I know I didn't end it in the best way I could've, but I'm dumb tired. So please leave kudos or comments, anything you feel you need to. Thank you :)


End file.
